WEEK 6: CONNECTIONS

Dear Trevor:

How you doing h_ _ _y!? I still cannot believe you won that travel to Prague; I mean: you lucky b_ _ _h!  I wish you took me there with you. I wouldn’t hold back a sec, that’s for sure. I have already packed everything up, if you change your mind. Just kidding. Take care of Zach, will ya? You know, he can end up being quite annoying, but he’s also quite sweet, you know, deep inside.

Here things are really calmed. Of course, since I’m running out of money, there’s nothing left for me to do. So now I’m kind of going in for my studies. We have a teacher who is always asking what we do to pick up our English. It’s quite funny, and annoying. I mean, we students don’t do a single thing out of lessons; well, most of us. But he don’t get it. Is there anything else to talk about? He could ask for many other things for us to do. I hope the government pay in my grant soon. Then I could go back to party again.

Well, I’ll tell you the rest of this stuff when you come back. So make sure you keep that fluffy ass safe.

Can’t wait to see you again!

Kisses:

Al.

PS: Though he asks us to make boring writings, I always end up finding interesting writing tools on the net. I don’t know how he does it. I found thirty eight pages filled up with phrasal verbs; apps where you can look for expressions and their contexts; useful dictionaries and other stuff. Apart from that, I don’t do a thing. 

WEEK 5: DREAM JOBS????

I am Alberto. I am a 20 years old student; and I am grown enough to have a job. Unfortunately, I may have some kind of phobia related to work; I have never been able to imagine myself working to earn money –the idea of being asked for a task and not being capable of fulfil it scares me. This feels like running away from responsibilities. However it is high time for me “to put my ass to work”. Thus, I have been thinking of what should be my ideal job lately. I must admit that I have never had any type of vocational motivation, so this becomes a quite difficult task for me. Yet, after thinking a lot, I could not imagine for any job. “Maybe, I should take another point of view” I thought. So then I asked to myself “what are those things that would piss me off in a job?”. You know, sometimes you just need to make the right questions, because after that one, plenty of thing came up to my mind.

Firstly, I could never stand working in a place where uniforms are required. Of course, it depends on the uniform; if it is a stylish one, “welcome be it!”; but if it is a Primark dependent’s uniform… I suppose that the best option would be not to work where uniforms are required, letting this way more space for creativity.

Another important aspect is that I am a quite clean person; I can’t stand dirt. As a consequence, this condition rules out all those outdoors jobs and those related to clean up the city streets. I would not care being dressing up as an actor, you know wearing makeup and stuff. But this is a quite different type of dirt.

Definitely, the third aspect I most hate is stress. It is natural for me to be a relaxed person, with no worries and hurries. Thus, people around me tend to get even more stressed than they are because they cannot understand why I am relaxed. This discard the idea of working as a lawyer or as a stock broker.

Finally, I would never be able to take responsibilities of somebody’s life. Meaning, I could never work as a doctor or a pilot. “Could you imagine? On simple mistake and the life or lives of some people will banish”. This is what most scares me.

As you can see, after thinking quite a lot, my best conclusion was “man, you’re not made for working, so… Why don’t you try to win the lottery?... Great but you need money to buy the tickets!!!”

WEEK 4 (PART 2): IF I WERE YOU...

5 Stupid Pieces Of Advice That People Need To Stop Sharing

By Mark Hill

If your life is anything like mine, I am so, so sorry. Between the general malaise and the fact that your many illegitimate children have tracked you down and launched a class-action suit for all the Christmas presents they missed out on, you're probably having a bit of a rough time. You also probably have a habit of consulting the internet for advice on how to handle your many failings and, in doing so, noticed that the vast majority of life advice being bandied about on social media alongside hassle-free cupcake recipes is total garbage. And a lot of that garbage falls into a few specific categories, such as...

5 "Travel Or Your Life Is Wasted!"

Hey, have you been traveling lately? No? Well then, fuck you, you ignorant yokel.

You've never backpacked across Nepal with nothing but a Lonely Planet book and your own soul to guide you, you self-centered jerk?

And not only does traveling make you a better person, it's hard. It's like having a job!

I enjoy traveling. Stealing the hotel's nice towels, using the WiFi in a new and exotic Starbucks, asking the locals if they speak American -- it's a great experience. And I understand that these quotes are supposed to inspire us to see the world, which is indeed a great way to learn about humanity and grow as a person. But I'd estimate that approximately 100 percent of the time you try to distill the appeal of traveling into a single pithy quote, you come across as an arrogant braggart.

That's a really inspirational thing to say for someone who can (ABILITY) almost certainly ask their rich parents for rent money. Yes, you can (PERMISSION) travel on a shoestring budget. But you can't (ABILITY) "just make it work" if taking two weeks off of your job to hitchhike across Peru means you don't make enough money that month to pay your bills.

I know plenty of people who haven't traveled much, if at all, and it's not because they have closed minds or bad priorities. It's because, when they were young, their parents were too busy working their asses off and saving every dollar so their children could (ABILITY) go to school and, you know, eat. Then, when they grew up, they worked their asses off at school and a job so they could (ABILITY) have a better life. A life where they could (ABILITY) keep their ass. And I'm sure there's nothing someone who put in exhausting hours to pay their way through college loves more than seeing a rich friend post a fake Muhammad quote about how traveling the world is how someone really educates themselves. A quote about how education isn't that important, which, incidentally, has missing punctuation.

Travel absolutely can (ABILITY) make you a better person. But if your first instinct after a great trip is to rush home and talk about how you're superior to your friends because you've traveled to a developing country and met a bunch of locals who probably can't (ABILITY) afford to travel themselves, then it hasn't.

So, by all means, tell people about what a great time you had on your trip. But don't share condescending images and articles on how to quit your job and travel the world and truly live, because if it was that easy to magically remove all responsibilities from your life, a lot more people would have (CERTAINTY) already figured out how to do it. Try something like this instead:

4 "Just Choose To Be Happy!"

Are you happy with your life? Take a moment to read this if you're not:

Are you happy now, motherfucker? No? But those kayakers have it all figured it out, so why can't (ABILITY) you get your shit together? Let's try again.

Don't tell me you're only feeling worse! It says right there on that wall that you can (PERMISSION) choose to be happy! It's even pointing you in the direction of happiness! Maybe there's some to your left? No? How about below?

Why is "BE HAPPY NOW" in bold caps? Is it a threat? An implied "or else"? It feels like I'm being yelled at. Goddammit, Simple Reminders, I'm doing the best that I can (ABILITY)!

You've probably seen these kinds of images on social media, and they've probably been posted by someone who also shares yoga tips, gluten-free recipes despite having no issues eating gluten, and other reminders that they're insufferable. There are many variations on the theme, like "To be happy you only need to ____," where the blank is find love, remove all toxic relationships from your life, get some really sweet Destiny loot, or do anything else that's both challenging and not actually a magic bullet. Regardless of the exact theme, you can (ABILITY) expect lots of pictures of nature and people being outdoorsy that say you can (PERMISSION) be happy just by choosing to be happy. Which is a nice thought, except that's not how the human brain works at all.

Genetics, chemical balance, whether or not your parents kept insisting that broccoli was just as delicious as ice cream ... there's a lot that goes into determining whether a person is happy, and a lot of it is out of a person's control. Now, people can overcome negative circumstances and live a happy life, but doing that means establishing healthy habits and working hard and doing other long-term and difficult things that can't be established overnight just because some dude flying a kite reminded you to enjoy the little things in life.

If happiness was as easy as remembering to be happy, a lot more people would be (PROBABILITY) happy. It's well-intentioned, but it comes across as smug. "I've got the trick to happiness all figured out, so why don't you have it down? What's wrong with you?"

That's right, happiness can (ABILITY) reduce depression. Shit, why didn't any depressed people think of that?

Actually, if you're depressed or anxious, you probably have a mental illness that can't (ABILITY) magically be fixed by pretending you don't understand what time and memory is. But by all means, let's reduce it down to a quote for a tween's Pinterest page, then inaccurately slap poor Laozi's name on it like he's going to teach us how to beat our bully with karate and win the local hot girl.

It's nice to think that the secret to happiness can (POSSIBILITY) be reduced to being told that good and bad is all in our heads, but it trivializes mental illness, it trivializes people's problems, and it trivializes what actually makes us happy. You can't (NEGATIVE CERTAINTY) choose to be magically happy. But figuring out what does make you happy can (POSSIBILITY) be a long and winding road, and that doesn't fit onto a humble brag disguised as profound life advice.

3 "Work Harder!" / "Don't Work So Hard!"

Hey, are you working hard to achieve your dreams? If you're finding it difficult to stay motivated, maybe this inspirational piece of advice will help you.

All right, now you're ready to buckle down for an all-nighter. Oh, but wait! Don't work too hard, or you'll regret your entire life!

Better duck out of the office early and go rowing so you'll die happy. But, oh shit, don't waste too much time having fun, or you'll never be successful.

OK, so you're back to working hard again so you can (ABILITY) achieve all of your hopes and dreams? You fool, you're letting your life waste away!

You've probably noticed the theme here, in that only casual life advice deals in absolutes. The internet is awash in images and essays about both the satisfaction that comes with working incredibly long hours and the regrets that accompany those incredibly long hours, and they're usually shared by people on your Facebook page who are trying to justify either not seeing their family for a week or mooching off all their friends while they take occasional shifts as a street mime.

Another running theme you've probably picked up on is the fact that complicated questions about humanity can't (NEGATIVE CERTAINTY) be summed up in a few photos no matter how cute the animals in them are. Yes, it's important to find a balance between work and personal life, and yes, the fact that so many people struggle with that balance is a great source of existential angst. But treating it like it's a question of extremes ignores the fact that everyone has different needs.

Someone might find tremendous satisfaction in working 80 hours a week running their animal-inspired dildo company, All Creatures Great And Small But Still Able To Get It Done Where It Counts, while others just want to clock out after they've put in their weekly 40 and spend some time enjoying the former's products with their friends and family. Neither person's approach to life is inherently wrong, but if someone feels the need to share lectures that talk down about the best way to live life, there might secretly be something deeply wrong with the way they're living theirs.

2 "Don't Waste Your Time With Frivolous Hobbies!"

You've probably watched countless hours of TV, but have you ever really thought about what all those hours represent? No? Well, then I hope your mind is disease-free, because I'm about to blow it.

Newsflash, suckers! Time is a resource, and resources are finite! And you're wasting yours away! What's that, you say? You're not just watching infomercials and old Jerry Springer reruns while you wait to die? You watch TV because you enjoy shows that make you think, laugh and cry, give you something to discuss with your friends, and help you stay in touch with the pop culture that influences so much of our daily lives? Well, you're still a loser, according to this piece of snobby, elitist advice!

Hope you don't play video games either, because you might as well be booking a ticket to Stupidville, where the population is you.

Oh, but don't read too many books, because then you'd be neglecting our old friend, travel.

Just make sure not to take too many photos while you're abroad!

And, oh shit, don't spend too much time on Facebook bragging about how you don't spend too much time on Facebook!

If you can (ABILITY) name a hobby, you can (CERTAINTY) find an image or essay about how it's a terrible waste of time that only poor and stupid people pursue. And sure, spending too much time watching TV or playing games or eating lions to gain their strength is problematic. But these little tidbits of advice rarely seem concerned that someone is doing too much of something -- they're almost always annoyed by the fact that you're not doing something else, something the person sharing the advice wants to feel smart about for enjoying. Or they're annoyed by the fact that you're doing anything else, in the case of the people who get upset if you have any hobbies at all.

Don't worry; Nate Diaz isn't mad at you. But if you see someone share this inspirational quote, they don't want you to work harder -- they want you to acknowledge that they work hard, that they're grinding away while you go for a weekend hike. Strangely enough, the hardest-working people I know don't take breaks to remind all their friends how hard they work, in part because they're too busy, you know, actually working. And drawing satisfaction from it, instead of thinly disguising a desire for approval of their lifestyle.

It's important to make sure you're spending your time in a way that makes you happy and productive. But if you see someone say they want to give you food for thought yet can't (ABILITY) muster up more than the social media equivalent of a dusty Cheeto that's been on the floor for a week, maybe you're not the one who needs to be doing the questioning.

1 "It's OK To Be A Terrible Person!"

We've all seen someone share this Marilyn Monroe quote that, you guessed it, she didn't actually say. And then we've all shuddered and been grateful that we haven't had to hang out with them in years.

You "handle" wild animals or volatile chemicals, not people who can't (ABILITY) get their shit together long enough to not be a selfish narcissist on a dinner date. And yet it's easy to find piece of advice after piece of advice that boils down to "Don't ever try to improve a single facet of yourself, because you're perfect being the terrible person that you are."

That's great advice, unless you're prone to bouts of anger, or drinking too much, or being late all the time, or blowing people off, or a hundred other possible flaws that you have at least one of and should try to address. And if that sounds like I'm assuming the worst in an otherwise innocuous message, behold the countless images that people share to justify their arrogance...

...their passive-aggressive complaints...

...and whatever other flaws they clearly need to address.

There's an implicit piece of advice in every one of those images. And that advice is "It's OK to not try to address my obvious flaws as long as I acknowledge them with a snarky message." The first step in self-improvement is acknowledging the problem you want to fix, and letting Tweety Bird shout your personality flaw at the world is not an excuse to stop at the first step. Being comfortable with who you are is good advice. Being so comfortable that you think your bad tendencies can (POSSIBILITY) be summed up and waved away with some words thrown over a waterfall is borderline sociopathic.

Self-improvement, and life in general, is hard, and it's nice to think you look wise and are being helpful to your loved ones by sharing some advice. But problems aren't solved and people aren't improved with a couple of sweeping, reductive sentences that get slapped over pictures of some dudes parasailing. And if that's the best you can (ABILITY) come up with to help your friends in their time of need, well...

Mark is on Twitter and has a story collection, and his life advice to you is to check out both.

Deep inside us all -- behind our political leanings, moral codes, and private biases -- there is a cause so colossally stupid that we surprise ourselves with how much we care. Whether it's toilet paper position, fedoras on men, or Oxford commas, we each harbor a preference so powerful that we can't (ABILITY) help but proselytize about it to the world. In the next live episode of the Cracked podcast, guest host Soren Bowie is joined by Cody Johnston, Michael Swaim, and comedian Annie Lederman to discuss the most trivial things we will argue about until the day we die. Get your tickets here!

Learn why you can't (ABILITY) actually do anything in The 4 Most Useless Pieces Of Advice Everyone Believes, and see why you should (NSTRUCTION) never trust Cosmo in 7 Psychotic Pieces Of Relationship Advice From Cosmo.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel to get advice from the New Guy in Valentine's Day Love Advice - New Guy Weekly, and watch other videos you won't see on the site!

Also follow us on Facebook. Or don't. It's your life. But we would (POSSIBILITY) really like it if you did.

References

Hill, M. (2016). 5 Stupid Pieces Of Advice That People Need To Stop Sharing. CRACKED. Retrieved from http://www.cracked.com/blog/please-stop-sharing-dumbass-advice-facetwitter/

WEEK 4 (PART 1): IF I WERE YOU...

Dear Dan,

Thanks for your last letter. I think it`s great you want to brush up on your English and of course I`m only too glad to help. Here are a few things you can try.

First of all, it would be a good idea to start reading more in English. You probably won`t have time to read novels but there are plenty of magazines that also help you improve your English. As you are so fond of nature, why don`t you take out a subscription to National Geographic? You`ll be amazed at how fast you pick things up when you actually like the subject.

Another suggestion is to watch films on DVD without the subtitles. That way you force yourself to listen to the language very carefully. For a film lover like you, that`ll be learning having fun!

The best advice I can give you, though, is to get more English speaking pen-friends and email friends. That method really worked for me when I wanted to improve my Italian. Not only will you learn a lot of new phrases, but you`ll also practise language actively yourself.

I hope these ideas will help. And remember, practice makes perfect, so don`t give up too easily! Write and let me know how you get on.

Yours,

Pam



References:

Letter giving advice. (2011). A.H.I.. Retrieved 14 October 2017, from https://asociacionahi.jimdo.com/resources/writing/letter-giving-advice/

WEEK 3: IN THE PUBLIC EYE

[Thoughts on a shattered paper]

Dreams of fame are all I have kept from my childhood. Dreams risen from illusions and expectations. I always stared at the television, watching those queens of glamour of the celluloid; went to the poor neighbourhoods, listening to those masters of the saxophone playing the most delightful blue notes; snuck in the theatres, looking for those actors and actresses of the Broadway scene, conquerors of the stage. That way I realised that was the life I wanted for me, although I had seen the ugly truth behind that glitter of glam. Shadows would cover this golden paradise with hands of gossip and sensationalism; what is more, private lives stolen by flashes. I always had the dream of becoming a good singer, yet would I be able to face the killers of the spotlight? I wouldn’t. I have never been strong. I have always wanted that thing I could not handle; being in the centre of the ring; all eyes on me. Doubting and doubting again, my time has passed; the Mercury has left Grand Central. And finally I put down in words the dream that will never come true.

WEEK 2: OUR FIRST STEPS IN C1

MEETING THE LOCALS.

[…]

INTERVIWER:

Have you heard the latest on the man who won the national lottery? Eight million dollars he won. That’s a great amount, isn’t it? Have you ever thought of—

ALBERTO C.:

Winning that thing? Of course I do. Everybody does in fact, I think. Well I wouldn’t be in this show in first place (laughs). You know, that money lets you do a few things.

INTERVIWER:

I wouldn’t be here either (laughs). But please, tell us, what would you have done if you had won the big prize?

ALBERTO C.:

Me? Well, I wouldn’t doubt about starting the car and going to the next shopping centre. Half of the money would be spent on pretty and expensive clothes. Yes, I’m quite materialistic in that sense. Can’t avoid it. Next step would be buying some lofts; one in Madrid and another one—let’s say in New York. I really love those apartments; they are quite stylish and luminous. I suppose, once done with my little cravings, I would spent the rest of the money on travelling. Though I’m a city dweller, I’d like to visit some rural places, like Cambodia –ruins are some kind of passion in me, don’t ask me why; I don’t even know (laughs). Follow that line, I would also go to Greece, Central America, India and all those places with millenary ruins. They are the remaining memories of ancient cultures. They have always attracted me, more than the present ones.

INTERVIWER:

Wow! That’s a man with clear ideas. Would you go on that journey alone or with friends?

ALBERTO C.:

With friends of course! It wouldn’t be an adventure if I didn’t have them with me! Every adventure needs that one guy confident enough to get the rest of us in some troubles, you know. Yet –I don’t know how—that same guy will manage to get us out of the situation. There’s also the cute and carefree girl. She’ll go wherever we will, and she will laugh at everything. The churl guy would be definitely in the group as well. He might be mean sometimes, but you can count on him for everything. I have more friends and I 

would take them all with my on a journey, that’s for sure.

INTERVIWER:

That sounds awesome. But there’s a thing I’d like to ask. What “guy” would you be?

ALBERTO C.:

Me? I’m the one complaining about everything all the time! (Laughs).

[…]

WEEK 1: PROCESS WRITING

Over five thousand years into the past, one simple event marked the difference between two eras. It was the conception of writing. This system of symbols would not only take note of history on walls and parchments, but would also create real beauty; or hurtful words, capable of causing more harming wounds than the ones inflicted by the sharpest of swords. Since that moment, writing has evolved in many ways, dividing into several systems, each one different from the rest. And yet, writing was not accessible for everyone; even those who were capable of drawing the symbols of a language –now known as letters— could not imaging the range of possibilities available for them. They needed to be taught the basis of this system and improve it as well. That is the way it has been done until our days.

At the Contemporary Age, the basic rules and contents are taught at school, high school and some degrees; letting more advanced knowledge for autonomous learning –something which I am not much in favour of. Thus, teachers and professors expect for students to learn by their own and still get high marks. And because of letting the hard work to us, we students must go in search of appropriated sources of information –mainly online; a very difficult task taking into account the large amount of invaluable information on the net. In order to help you with this little –but important—matter, I would like to exemplify in this writing those tools I mostly use.

First of all, it would be advisable to have a trustable source where you can look up for words you do not know at all. The perfect tool for this task is an old friend known as dictionary –either on paper or online. Both provide definitions; exemplify contexts in which words/collocations are used; and give phonological transcriptions. Yet online versions make easier the search and gives even more information thanks to the use of links. Even so, the use of mobile phones and computers will be forbidden in class.

If you do not feel confident enough with the information given on the dictionary, you could try, in second place, to use Ludwig (https://ludwig.guru/). This is a webpage –which also owns an desktop  app— that provide exemplifying texts of words, phrases, clauses and sentences you are interested in. These texts belongs to other websites or uploaded documents and folders. Thus it would be advisable to take a look at the origin of the text. There are many other webpages like this one, though Ludwig seems trustable enough.

For the rest of things, there is an endless variety of webpages where you can find lists of vocabulary, connectors, collocations, grammar rules, the use of prepositions and examples. You should also use your student book as well. Despite the fact that some information is wrong, or rather useless, one can always improve his writing, as you can see.